Carolyn A. Alaimo Ph.D.

We have all experienced those pivotal moments when life becomes a little clearer. An awareness falls into place like a sand sculpture where all the grains seems to fit making a beautiful mosaic. If we explore this moment more closely, it becomes apparent we have had an insight; an ah-ha moment. Sometimes this moment is profound and is associated with a renewed sense of well being which may be related to the release of endorphins. Other times are barely noticeable as we move through our day, week, and life with great rapidity. The outside blur mirroring the inside view.  However nonspecific this phase is, I do believe the phase that follows is more pronounced and thereby quickly reaching consciousness.

That moment when the realization sets in that we would have made a different decision. That feeling of being sucker punched in the gut, as if coming out of nowhere. Our life becomes momentarily disorienting as a new path is seen and simultaneously we can see a vision of our life involving different choices and different directions. The natural questions that follow can become unbearably painful as the regrets pour in.

For some this process is not as acute and they seem to move on without their lives skipping a beat. Others have difficulty integrating the regrets and still others get stuck entirely. For those latter individuals, I think it is important to deconstruct the process so that we can understand what hit us and where is that recipe for lemonade when you need it.

Regrets represent change. Without change we would have nothing to regret. Regrets are an awareness of an internal process that resulted in a particular chosen course. What cause most individuals emotional pain are the decisions made prior to this realization. The focus is on “What I would have done differently.” The feelings that follow are loss, grieving and sorrow. Some authors believe the loss follows the part of ourselves that we are letting go. Like letting go of the experience of a favorite or familiar book as we close the last chapter. And with a different sense of self we are also letting go of all the choices we would have made had we known then what we know now. A woman I once knew experienced significant pain upon realizing that her decision to refrain from having children was predicated on a belief system that came into being while she watched an abusive alcoholic parent beating her and the rest of her family. She was now near 50 years old and her natural childbearing years behind her. We cried as she mourned. Some authors believe this process is what prevents an individual from growing past the pain. But this is only half the story.

As the focus shifts to how our life will change there is hope through forgiveness. Forgiveness toward ourselves for the decisions made and time lost in not reaching and awareness sooner. The underlying wish beneath the anger is somehow learning sooner could have possibly prevented the pain we are now experiencing. As mourning gives way to lost opportunities, new insights breed new opportunities and hope. The new awareness we develop carries new options and possibilities. Behaviors follow the new insights and our lives change for the better. This promotes the sense of well being mentioned in the first paragraph. As in the woman in the above story, she left her drug-addicted husband and the emotional and financial drain this had on her life.  Her life improved in other ways as well.

In the title of this article is included the plural form of regret. Yes, this process repeats itself throughout our life.   Without it there would be no growth in the human psyche. However, as we integrate a deeper understanding of ourselves the road becomes less treacherous and the cliffs less steep. It no longer feels gut wrenching. As old beliefs give way to new understandings breaking through glass ceilings no longer leaves us feeling shredded but rather with a clearer view with greater options for the future. As this new perspective takes root, we may need to remind ourselves frequently until it becomes a well-worn path, that that which we are leaving behind is less important than the greatness we are moving toward.

In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy didn’t regret the belief of a tornado lifting her house, nor the terrifying experience of the dream, because upon awakening she realized that gratitude for what she had was lacking and how life could be different going forward because of her new awareness. The loss was not believing in herself and lack of appreciation for those she loved.  Her self-image shifted toward a more internal sense of control or power and a new appreciation for what she had.

© 2016 Carolyn A. Alaimo, Ph.D.

Love in relationships is often idealized, particularly in the earliest stages. This is most clearly seen when couples are in the “infatuation phase” early on in their relationship. During this time we may view our partner as near perfect; completing our needs and providing a sense of wholeness. The “I’s” become a “we” and with that there is a blurring of “my” needs and “your” needs. We fail to see our partner as an individual, as separate and distinct from ourselves. It is not until later in the relationship that each partner regains what are “my needs” and “Oh, by the way you’re not fulfilling them”. And the reasons can include, “because you’re a control freak”, “you don’t love me enough or like you used to”, “(blank) is more important than me”, and so on.   The illusion of perfection has dissipated and is replaced by hurt and resentment. When love and psychological needs are confused and intertwined the individual needs of each person in the relationship is confused with that of their partners and may even be unknown.

Perhaps this situation is seen at no greater time than in emotionally intimate and/or committed relationships, as in spousal or parent-child relationships.  The commitment allows for greater trust, which provides a foundation for intimacy, and thus the expression of our deeper emotional needs. Psychological needs may include, the need to be heard, needing to feel loved, supported, accepted, acknowledged, approved, wanted, etc.  Partners often believe they “know” their own needs and that of the other but the presence of conflict between the two individuals will prove otherwise.  According to Harville Hendrix in the book “Getting the Love You Want”, conflict is growth trying to happen or express itself.  In this case, the conflict might suggest the growth of individual personalities expressing themselves. Or more aptly put, the expression of individual needs and the attempts to gratify them.

Confusing our own needs with that of another’s is very common. For example, a woman once told me she enjoyed helping her spouse complete tasks. These actions provided her with a sense of loving-kindness as she often witnessed in her own home growing up.  Her spouse, however, would often become irritated which she interpreted as ingratitude for her help. When asked, it became apparent that her helpfulness was viewed by her partner as intrusive and further triggered a personal sense of incompetence. Her need to help conflicted with his need to feel self-sufficient. While we are certainly not responsible for how someone interprets another’s behavior or what this may trigger in them, it does serve personal growth and growth within the relationship to understand these perspectives. Oftentimes, the experience of emotional discomfort is viewed as caused by our partner. “I feel unloved because you don’t love me enough!” It is believed that our internal experience is somehow the result of someone else actions. Why, because it feels that way. In actuality, we can’t make someone angry/sad/unloved or afraid unless the issues creating such feelings are already there lying dormant waiting for someone to trigger the circumstances that give rise to such feelings. For example, if I feel loved, no one can “make” me feel unloved. Most of our intense painful feelings originate in our lives during a much earlier time when we were impressionable and vulnerable; a time when we lacked skills to cope or the ability to remove ourselves from the situation. While actions of another can certainly trigger dormant feelings in another, these actions cannot cause or create such intense feelings.

When attempting to untangle the enmeshment of needs there is an underlying or overt fear that if these needs are released there will be a loss of love and the relationship will fail or end.  In other words, if “we let go of needing each other” then “we” will no long “love” each other.  Years ago I worked with a mother who was attempting to allow her adult daughter to make her own decisions while owning her own feelings of separation, loss of control, and guilt; her daughter was nearly 30 years old and beginning to push back to reclaim her life.  The anguish this mom experienced brought her to seek help.  She continued to work hard in her attempt to be a “good mom” but this time it was in an effort to let go of needing her daughter so much.  At one point in her process she came in one day and exclaimed, “Oh great! Now I don’t feel anything for my daughter.”  Her anxiety was palpable.  I reassured her through the explanation that this is exactly what it feels like to let go of need as we begin to move toward authentic love. The process of separation or individuation is often met with great resistance or push back.  This can take the form of anger, arguing, pleading, or sadness as the new space between the individuals can trigger fears of emptiness and loss.  However, in this space between the individuals people can grow as authentic individuals and develop a more mature, adult love and respect for one another.

With so much on the line why is it important to separate the needs of each partner?   Here in lies the key objective as well.  How does it feel to “separate” ourselves from someone we love? Can we still feel connected and love from the person from whom we are now emotionally separate?  To many people the fear and anguish of separation is intolerable.  It is easier to argue to change someone than to accept our needs and take responsibility for their fulfillment.  To coexist with someone we are different from means in part we have to coexist with ourselves without depending on some one else to feel loved, wanted, supported, approved, etc. These needs are important and relationships with loved ones provide a vehicle for satisfaction of such needs. It is the intensity of these needs and the attempt to force fulfillment through another that differentiates these needs from love.  Further, expressions of needs through relationships serve as a means to discover what our needs are and their importance to us (as evidenced by the intensity of arguments that may ensue when such needs are unmet).

Now that the tremendous resistance to separation is understood, why is it so important to identify our needs and to distinguish them from the needs of others?  Because when needs are enmeshed with another’s, individual needs are obscured. Individual needs, such as to be heard or comforted, that are not seen cannot be met. To separate our needs from others helps us to see ourselves and allow others to see us.  It helps us to get to know ourselves.   As this knowledge of ourselves grows, it becomes clear that the needs we have are ours.  They always were ours and the desires to have these needs fulfilled are our responsibility.  It has to be our responsibility because no one knows us like we do.  Our partner, child, parent or friend can’t fully appreciate our needs because as we have now learned they have individual needs of their own that hard as we try we cannot fully experience and thus fully appreciate. So if there is a need to be heard, are you listening to yourself or disregarding or dismissing your internal dialogue? Are you supporting yourself? Are you loving toward yourself or do you frequently criticize your looks, your thoughts, feelings, or actions? This process involves many layers. As we identify a need and begin to gratify this need, personal trust in our ability to satisfy or soothe our needs deepens. The authentic person within begins to emerge sometimes gradually and gracefully and sometimes with a few growing pains, but emerges all the same.

Love is always enough. As we appreciate ourselves by honoring our needs, we grow in self-love. Love is always enough when it is composed of a sincere desire to appreciate someone for who they are, particularly when that someone is you.

© 2016 Carolyn A. Alaimo, Ph.D.

I am often asked what is the importance of looking at our past. It’s a good question. I have heard, “I have put the past behind me.” What is the relevance of the past? Simply put, our past combined with our present course creates the trajectory of our future. Using a mathematical paradigm two points on a graph determine the slope. In other words, the degree of woundedness vs. resolution impacts decisions in the present and consequently our future (or our trajectory). The presence of “woundedness” or unresolved childhood issues can be identified in the presence of emotional pain and/or the presence of behaviors that an individual finds troubling.

From a more analytic paradigm, Freud essentially referred to this process as compulsive repetition of the conflict. Aspects of our past that are unresolved will be repeated in some way. Some theorists believe that despite the compulsive nature, the underlying purpose may be to recreate situations so patterns may be identified and made conscious. Once conscious, an individual can process such events and/or patterns and make changes.

I often hear, “I can’t change the past,” so essentially why bother. While on the surface this appears true as one views the past from a factual data base. However, an individual’s perception of the past and how that was interpreted as a child and now as an adult is far more complex than for instance, your home address when you were five years old.

So if there is much to learn from the past why then is it avoided by some? Often times, retrieval of a difficult past brings with it the flood of emotions and the perception of helplessness associated with the events. As one individual said to me, “Now I know why I wanted to forget this.” He wasn’t speaking of present day decisions, he was referring to a recognition of a decision made long ago.

Once retrieving painfilled aspects of ourself there is a need to mourn. We sometimes mourn as that child or as the adult for that child. This is natural part of psychological and emotional growth. And despite it’s normalcy there may still be trepidation as individuals fear their ability to tolerate, integrate, and follow the process through to its natural ending point. However, in doing so a great skill set is being created and gentle shifts in our personality are occurring.

Beneath these feelings reside the underpinnings of the perpetuation of our woundedness. How am I recreating these patterns in my current life? Painful childhood events remain painful only if I am recreating some of the pattern. This awareness is often very painful and this process relies heavily on the skill sets being developed during earlier phases. These phases are flexible and we move back and forth as we retrieve aspects of ourselves.

So why do all of this work? Each time we enter into the the process of identifying and resolving emotional pain and/or conflict we retrieve aspects of ourselves. It’s as if there are pieces of ourselves we have left behind too ashamed of knowing or expressing. Integrating a healthier aspect of ourselves increases our emotional strength; our sense of security and confidence. These are great benefits that we then can carry with us always.

© 2015 Carolyn Alaimo, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

We often view animals as creatures of habit. We know our pets like to be fed at the same time or let out at a certain time and that there can be a strong reaction to a change in their routine of the day. I witnessed this personally when I began working longer and later hours. My cat at the time rebelled rather strongly by breaking his “habit” (if you know what I mean).

As humans, we enjoy some similarities to the animal kingdom in our tendency to enjoy consistency in our environment. Early on in childhood we learn through conditioning that consistency in our care by primary caretakers satisfies primary needs and alleviates frustration. This process leaves us with a sense of fullness, satisfaction, and comfort.

Through consistent attention as needed by the infant, a view of the world begins to develop as constant. Over time as the brain develops a sense of constancy and the child’s view of it’s world begins to take shape. Constancy in the child’s environment begins to plant an enduring belief of sameness. The child begins to depend, rely on what will happen next in their small world.

As the child begins to anticipate what will occur in their world, this ushers in a sense of predictability.  As the child  experiences their world and is able to anticipate or  predict to some degree what will occur in their world a sense of security deepens.

Competency or control over one’s environment begins to develop. While control often has a negative connotation in adulthood, to a child as well as an adult, control is about managing one’s environment and internal world. When a child or anyone for that matter, is able to predict what will occur within their environment with some degree of accuracy it allows for the development of competency as less energy is expended in adjusting to constant changes.  For the child this is often referred to as mastery. Through predictability they can master their world. In other words, the rules are not changing or at least not changing in an erratic fashion.

This process is concomitantly internalized leading to a feeling of control of our internal world. Self-mastery or self-discipline is an important part of achievement and all later stages of development. While the precursors of security are developed early, thank goodness we as humans are able to constantly grow; adjusting previous learning experiences and expanding our capabilities.

While behavioral precursors are important in the development of security, this article does not discuss the importance of parent-child attachment and bonding due to the immense scope of this topic.

Briefly and succinctly put, in behavioral terms, consistency by caretakers breeds… constancy in our perception of the our world…which provides predictability, and leads to a sense of control of our environment….which is internalized… and results in feeling in control of ourselves (self-discipline)… and ultimately to feelings of security, secure in our relationships with others and in ourself.

So maybe we will all think a little differently as we look into the eyes of our children or pet or any other creature of habit.

© 2015 Carolyn Alaimo, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

Codependency is generally defined in terms of behaviors, as in, never being able to say ‘No’, anticipating the needs of others, believing that one is responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, and needs of another. There is often a sense of sadness or anger when unable to please others or anxiety when someone is perceived as displeased. The concept began to take shape in the latter part of the 1970’s. These behavioral traits were noticed in the partner of alcoholics. Later, these traits were noticed in partners of individuals experiencing other forms of addiction (or compulsive behaviors, such as over/under eating, gambling, sexual behaviors, etc.). At first, some therapists involved in addiction therapy thought that these behaviors developed as a pattern of coping with their partner’s drug or alcohol abuse. However, further examination of family patterns of interaction concluded that a codependent person’s behavior is dependent upon the behavior of another, in which they allow another person’s behavior to adversely affect them in such a way that they become obsessed with managing that person’s behavior. Concomitantly, there is a neglect of one’s own needs.

So what comes first, the neglect of one’s own needs with a focus on the needs of others or involvement with an addictive, compulsive individual that drives compulsively helpful behavior on the part of the codependent. It is now generally accepted within the psychological community that each person’s traits are independently formed and not dependent on the behavior of their partner. Codependent traits are developed long before the individual’s involvement with another. These traits affect the search and attainment of the perfect match; one viewed as in need of being taken care of. While your partner’s behaviors can trigger a feeling and subsequent response in the you, it cannot create that response pattern.

The dynamics of codependency most likely trace back to patterns within our family of origin. In such homes feelings are poorly identified while expression of emotional states are constricted or exaggerated.  There is typically poor conflict identification and resolution. This results in a build up of emotional tension which can be expressed as unmodulated expressions of emotions which is often displaced onto another. Personal, emotional, and physical boundaries may be compromised. While the outcome may be varied, with respect to codependency there is a damaged sense of self manifesting in an over reliance on others for emotional connection and stability. These individuals look to others for their sense of self. Their emotional center lies in other people. Imagine the panic as that person they are dependent upon begins to go away through addiction or other forms of compulsive behavior. Now it becomes easy to see that the codependent’s helpful and controlling behaviors serve to prevent the sheer panic of detachment. As different clients have stated, “I feel like I have entered the abyss”…”and am spinning out of control.” While overwhelming at times, these emotional states are reversible and can be healed. Ultimately leading to an improved sense of well-being and a deeper sense of security .