Carolyn A. Alaimo Ph.D.

The desire to be understood is probably one of the most fundamental needs of ours as humans. Some of the feelings may harken back to childhood when some of our deepest wishes, fears, hopes and desires went unspoken or unheard. In adulthood, we sometimes go through life looking to be heard, to be understood. Psychoanalytic thought may view this as a wish to return to the earliest stages of life when we were one with our caretakers and then separated. This need may also reflect a historical need to belong based on cultural survival. Regardless of the origin, people often look for that special someone to heal the disconnect; to have that feeling that someone understands me.

The desire to be understood often implies a cognitive or intellectual understanding of “my position” or what has happened to me. While this is certainly a place to start, I believe what is most important is an emotional awareness and connection to another’s pain.  It is lonely and possibly scary when one feels misunderstood.   As if no one understands them, particularly someone we are trying to connect with. I believe what a person is looking for is a desire to be soothed. One cannot be soothed through intellectual connection.  Intellectual connection and conversation can release endorphins and is stimulating but not soothing.  Soothing comes from an emotional connection and is best achieved through the listener merely “mirroring” or acknowledging what is said.  So when someone asks to be understood what is really being asked is to hear my struggle…witness my pain….be there with me so I am not alone. 

© Copyright 2015, Carolyn A. Alaimo, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved

Mourning is thought to be a natural part of the healing process following a loss. We often don’t think about the intricacies of the process, particularly if it seems to follow some sort of perceived progressive course. We may experience the immediate feelings of the loss, such as shock, disbelief, attempts to understand (using our cognitive processes to gain a sense of control), anger, missing, grieving, regret, remorse, sadness, and sorrow.

Mourning is thought to follow some sort of linear path, although not always. As we gently let go we may witness ourselves putting things in a different place, giving things away, going to different places, avoiding other places, things or people, making new connections, or revisiting past circumstances or memories.  Similarly, our feelings may not follow a linear path; feeling optimistic one day and recalling a wounded memory the next.

However, when mourning does not “go away” in some sort of natural or progressive way there is protracted sadness which may be present some of the time or when we are consciously or unconsciously reminded of the loss. Keeping in mind that sadness may not always look the same. It may be present in the form of anger or irritability, or fear or avoidance of the topic.

In instances like these, it may be helpful to take a deeper look at what may be complicating mourning. Taking a deeper inventory of our feelings may be the guideposts we need. Is there a sense of guilt or responsibility regarding the loss? Is there a part of us missing? If so, what part? As these feelings are identified it allows us to more specifically heal that part. For instance, if there is a sense of responsibility, what might I be responsible for? Oftentimes this feeling is complicated by guilt. I am responsible and I feel guilty about it.

Sometimes when stuck in a feeling such as guilt, or sadness it prevents us from fully realizing the loss and letting go. Sometimes the fear of being overwhelmed by our feelings and helpless to move past them keeps us stuck. Feelings associated with mourning always have a beginning and end.

Identifying feelings we have is the first step of untangling mourning. Being present to those feelings ensures you are not abandoning yourself. The next step is supporting those feelings. Support is the absence of judgement. Accepting our course, whatever it may be, is accepting ourselves.

Sometimes we may be mourning what a person, animal, place, or object brought into our lives. “When I was with them I felt creative, calm, adventuresome, etc.” Fill in the blank. While someone can surely bring out parts of ourselves, those parts are still within us and it now becomes our journey to enliven and bring forth those parts. People, animals, places and objects are gifts to bring out the best in us (even though the journey may be difficult/painful). Our creativity, sense of calm, adventurousness, or whatever we experienced when with them prior to the loss is ours for the keeping.

We know when a loss is resolved when we can comfortably discuss it, digesting any remaining feelings as they arise, and feel a perceived level of peace regarding the loss.

Welcome to my blog.  I wanted a place to share my thoughts; thoughts on various issues in the field of psychology.  A place to weave current theoretical and research updates with our everyday human life experiences.  Exploring ways to improve thoughts, emotional states, and behavior or as I like to call it the basic cell of the human personality.

Human suffering is a universal phenomenon and in a way binds us all.  As humans we connect through our emotions.  While there are bonds formed through the intellect, emotional connections seem to allow us to go deeper into intimacy.  According to Erikson’s stages of social development, without these intimate connections we develop a sense of isolation or alienation.  So if emotions connect us then what happens when these emotional states become cluttered?  More importantly how do we sort them out?

I hope that the thoughts and questions that are asked may deepen your relationship with yourself and those with whom you interact.