Codependency is generally defined in terms of behaviors, as in, never being able to say ‘No’, anticipating the needs of others, believing that one is responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, and needs of another. There is often a sense of sadness or anger when unable to please others or anxiety when someone is perceived as displeased. The concept began to take shape in the latter part of the 1970’s. These behavioral traits were noticed in the partner of alcoholics. Later, these traits were noticed in partners of individuals experiencing other forms of addiction (or compulsive behaviors, such as over/under eating, gambling, sexual behaviors, etc.). At first, some therapists involved in addiction therapy thought that these behaviors developed as a pattern of coping with their partner’s drug or alcohol abuse. However, further examination of family patterns of interaction concluded that a codependent person’s behavior is dependent upon the behavior of another, in which they allow another person’s behavior to adversely affect them in such a way that they become obsessed with managing that person’s behavior. Concomitantly, there is a neglect of one’s own needs.
So what comes first, the neglect of one’s own needs with a focus on the needs of others or involvement with an addictive, compulsive individual that drives compulsively helpful behavior on the part of the codependent. It is now generally accepted within the psychological community that each person’s traits are independently formed and not dependent on the behavior of their partner. Codependent traits are developed long before the individual’s involvement with another. These traits affect the search and attainment of the perfect match; one viewed as in need of being taken care of. While your partner’s behaviors can trigger a feeling and subsequent response in the you, it cannot create that response pattern.
The dynamics of codependency most likely trace back to patterns within our family of origin. In such homes feelings are poorly identified while expression of emotional states are constricted or exaggerated. There is typically poor conflict identification and resolution. This results in a build up of emotional tension which can be expressed as unmodulated expressions of emotions which is often displaced onto another. Personal, emotional, and physical boundaries may be compromised. While the outcome may be varied, with respect to codependency there is a damaged sense of self manifesting in an over reliance on others for emotional connection and stability. These individuals look to others for their sense of self. Their emotional center lies in other people. Imagine the panic as that person they are dependent upon begins to go away through addiction or other forms of compulsive behavior. Now it becomes easy to see that the codependent’s helpful and controlling behaviors serve to prevent the sheer panic of detachment. As different clients have stated, “I feel like I have entered the abyss”…”and am spinning out of control.” While overwhelming at times, these emotional states are reversible and can be healed. Ultimately leading to an improved sense of well-being and a deeper sense of security .
Speak Your Mind