The desire to be understood is probably one of the most fundamental needs of ours as humans. Some of the feelings may harken back to childhood when some of our deepest wishes, fears, hopes and desires went unspoken or unheard. In adulthood, we sometimes go through life looking to be heard, to be understood. Psychoanalytic thought may view this as a wish to return to the earliest stages of life when we were one with our caretakers and then separated. This need may also reflect a historical need to belong based on cultural survival. Regardless of the origin, people often look for that special someone to heal the disconnect; to have that feeling that someone understands me.
The desire to be understood often implies a cognitive or intellectual understanding of “my position” or what has happened to me. While this is certainly a place to start, I believe what is most important is an emotional awareness and connection to another’s pain. It is lonely and possibly scary when one feels misunderstood. As if no one understands them, particularly someone we are trying to connect with. I believe what a person is looking for is a desire to be soothed. One cannot be soothed through intellectual connection. Intellectual connection and conversation can release endorphins and is stimulating but not soothing. Soothing comes from an emotional connection and is best achieved through the listener merely “mirroring” or acknowledging what is said. So when someone asks to be understood what is really being asked is to hear my struggle…witness my pain….be there with me so I am not alone.
© Copyright 2015, Carolyn A. Alaimo, Ph.D. All Rights Reserved
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