Loss and Mourning

Mourning is thought to be a natural part of the healing process following a loss. We often don’t think about the intricacies of the process, particularly if it seems to follow some sort of perceived progressive course. We may experience the immediate feelings of the loss, such as shock, disbelief, attempts to understand (using our cognitive processes to gain a sense of control), anger, missing, grieving, regret, remorse, sadness, and sorrow.

Mourning is thought to follow some sort of linear path, although not always. As we gently let go we may witness ourselves putting things in a different place, giving things away, going to different places, avoiding other places, things or people, making new connections, or revisiting past circumstances or memories.  Similarly, our feelings may not follow a linear path; feeling optimistic one day and recalling a wounded memory the next.

However, when mourning does not “go away” in some sort of natural or progressive way there is protracted sadness which may be present some of the time or when we are consciously or unconsciously reminded of the loss. Keeping in mind that sadness may not always look the same. It may be present in the form of anger or irritability, or fear or avoidance of the topic.

In instances like these, it may be helpful to take a deeper look at what may be complicating mourning. Taking a deeper inventory of our feelings may be the guideposts we need. Is there a sense of guilt or responsibility regarding the loss? Is there a part of us missing? If so, what part? As these feelings are identified it allows us to more specifically heal that part. For instance, if there is a sense of responsibility, what might I be responsible for? Oftentimes this feeling is complicated by guilt. I am responsible and I feel guilty about it.

Sometimes when stuck in a feeling such as guilt, or sadness it prevents us from fully realizing the loss and letting go. Sometimes the fear of being overwhelmed by our feelings and helpless to move past them keeps us stuck. Feelings associated with mourning always have a beginning and end.

Identifying feelings we have is the first step of untangling mourning. Being present to those feelings ensures you are not abandoning yourself. The next step is supporting those feelings. Support is the absence of judgement. Accepting our course, whatever it may be, is accepting ourselves.

Sometimes we may be mourning what a person, animal, place, or object brought into our lives. “When I was with them I felt creative, calm, adventuresome, etc.” Fill in the blank. While someone can surely bring out parts of ourselves, those parts are still within us and it now becomes our journey to enliven and bring forth those parts. People, animals, places and objects are gifts to bring out the best in us (even though the journey may be difficult/painful). Our creativity, sense of calm, adventurousness, or whatever we experienced when with them prior to the loss is ours for the keeping.

We know when a loss is resolved when we can comfortably discuss it, digesting any remaining feelings as they arise, and feel a perceived level of peace regarding the loss.