We have all experienced those pivotal moments when life becomes a little clearer. An awareness falls into place like a sand sculpture where all the grains seems to fit making a beautiful mosaic. If we explore this moment more closely, it becomes apparent we have had an insight; an ah-ha moment. Sometimes this moment is profound and is associated with a renewed sense of well being which may be related to the release of endorphins. Other times are barely noticeable as we move through our day, week, and life with great rapidity. The outside blur mirroring the inside view. However nonspecific this phase is, I do believe the phase that follows is more pronounced and thereby quickly reaching consciousness.
That moment when the realization sets in that we would have made a different decision. That feeling of being sucker punched in the gut, as if coming out of nowhere. Our life becomes momentarily disorienting as a new path is seen and simultaneously we can see a vision of our life involving different choices and different directions. The natural questions that follow can become unbearably painful as the regrets pour in.
For some this process is not as acute and they seem to move on without their lives skipping a beat. Others have difficulty integrating the regrets and still others get stuck entirely. For those latter individuals, I think it is important to deconstruct the process so that we can understand what hit us and where is that recipe for lemonade when you need it.
Regrets represent change. Without change we would have nothing to regret. Regrets are an awareness of an internal process that resulted in a particular chosen course. What cause most individuals emotional pain are the decisions made prior to this realization. The focus is on “What I would have done differently.” The feelings that follow are loss, grieving and sorrow. Some authors believe the loss follows the part of ourselves that we are letting go. Like letting go of the experience of a favorite or familiar book as we close the last chapter. And with a different sense of self we are also letting go of all the choices we would have made had we known then what we know now. A woman I once knew experienced significant pain upon realizing that her decision to refrain from having children was predicated on a belief system that came into being while she watched an abusive alcoholic parent beating her and the rest of her family. She was now near 50 years old and her natural childbearing years behind her. We cried as she mourned. Some authors believe this process is what prevents an individual from growing past the pain. But this is only half the story.
As the focus shifts to how our life will change there is hope through forgiveness. Forgiveness toward ourselves for the decisions made and time lost in not reaching and awareness sooner. The underlying wish beneath the anger is somehow learning sooner could have possibly prevented the pain we are now experiencing. As mourning gives way to lost opportunities, new insights breed new opportunities and hope. The new awareness we develop carries new options and possibilities. Behaviors follow the new insights and our lives change for the better. This promotes the sense of well being mentioned in the first paragraph. As in the woman in the above story, she left her drug-addicted husband and the emotional and financial drain this had on her life. Her life improved in other ways as well.
In the title of this article is included the plural form of regret. Yes, this process repeats itself throughout our life. Without it there would be no growth in the human psyche. However, as we integrate a deeper understanding of ourselves the road becomes less treacherous and the cliffs less steep. It no longer feels gut wrenching. As old beliefs give way to new understandings breaking through glass ceilings no longer leaves us feeling shredded but rather with a clearer view with greater options for the future. As this new perspective takes root, we may need to remind ourselves frequently until it becomes a well-worn path, that that which we are leaving behind is less important than the greatness we are moving toward.
In the Wizard of Oz, Dorothy didn’t regret the belief of a tornado lifting her house, nor the terrifying experience of the dream, because upon awakening she realized that gratitude for what she had was lacking and how life could be different going forward because of her new awareness. The loss was not believing in herself and lack of appreciation for those she loved. Her self-image shifted toward a more internal sense of control or power and a new appreciation for what she had.
© 2016 Carolyn A. Alaimo, Ph.D.
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