I am often asked what is the importance of looking at our past. It’s a good question. I have heard, “I have put the past behind me.” What is the relevance of the past? Simply put, our past combined with our present course creates the trajectory of our future. Using a mathematical paradigm two points on a graph determine the slope. In other words, the degree of woundedness vs. resolution impacts decisions in the present and consequently our future (or our trajectory). The presence of “woundedness” or unresolved childhood issues can be identified in the presence of emotional pain and/or the presence of behaviors that an individual finds troubling.
From a more analytic paradigm, Freud essentially referred to this process as compulsive repetition of the conflict. Aspects of our past that are unresolved will be repeated in some way. Some theorists believe that despite the compulsive nature, the underlying purpose may be to recreate situations so patterns may be identified and made conscious. Once conscious, an individual can process such events and/or patterns and make changes.
I often hear, “I can’t change the past,” so essentially why bother. While on the surface this appears true as one views the past from a factual data base. However, an individual’s perception of the past and how that was interpreted as a child and now as an adult is far more complex than for instance, your home address when you were five years old.
So if there is much to learn from the past why then is it avoided by some? Often times, retrieval of a difficult past brings with it the flood of emotions and the perception of helplessness associated with the events. As one individual said to me, “Now I know why I wanted to forget this.” He wasn’t speaking of present day decisions, he was referring to a recognition of a decision made long ago.
Once retrieving painfilled aspects of ourself there is a need to mourn. We sometimes mourn as that child or as the adult for that child. This is natural part of psychological and emotional growth. And despite it’s normalcy there may still be trepidation as individuals fear their ability to tolerate, integrate, and follow the process through to its natural ending point. However, in doing so a great skill set is being created and gentle shifts in our personality are occurring.
Beneath these feelings reside the underpinnings of the perpetuation of our woundedness. How am I recreating these patterns in my current life? Painful childhood events remain painful only if I am recreating some of the pattern. This awareness is often very painful and this process relies heavily on the skill sets being developed during earlier phases. These phases are flexible and we move back and forth as we retrieve aspects of ourselves.
So why do all of this work? Each time we enter into the the process of identifying and resolving emotional pain and/or conflict we retrieve aspects of ourselves. It’s as if there are pieces of ourselves we have left behind too ashamed of knowing or expressing. Integrating a healthier aspect of ourselves increases our emotional strength; our sense of security and confidence. These are great benefits that we then can carry with us always.
© 2015 Carolyn Alaimo, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
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